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NURTURE: Why is it so hard to be true to ourselves?

11.1-RSG-Blog Post - Oscar Wilde


Last Saturday, I lead a great Powerhouse Circle group in discussing ways how to get ourselves “unstuck.”  We talked about the different ways we felt stuck…how we got there and our challenges to “pull ourselves out of the mud” and move forward.  There were great insights shared and the one that stood out the most was how we all “play a role” that’s not true to who we really are.

 

And that got me thinking…

 

Why is it so hard to be true to ourselves?

 

Now, I can’t speak for any of you because, of course, we have different perspectives and approaches to life but I would like to share some reasons and insights that came out of that conversation…

 

We don’t like CONFLICT

 

I don’t know about you but I will go out of my way NOT to disagree or disappoint people.   Consequently, I have ended up in relationships, situations and conversations that lasted way too long. 

 

When I was in my late twenties, I started dating a friend of a friend.  My group of friends were so excited!  Visions of an engagement, wedding and future family were the topics of most of our conversations.   And, I’ll admit…I fell into right into those dreams.  But there was a problem…while I liked the guy, I could never see him as my future partner.

 

However, I stayed with him for two very long years.  Every time I tried to break off the relationship, it would start arguments between my family and friends, as well as with him and then I would just “settle in” and tell myself that life wasn’t meant to be perfect.  You know how the story ends…one morning, I woke up and realized that I was living someone else’s life.  Needless to say, we are no longer together and I eventually met the love of my life.  Best of all, everyone likes him...most importantly, ME!

 

 

We want to be ACCEPTED

 

We all have had experience at least once when we shared something that made us different than the group.  Unfortunately, that has rarely been celebrated.

 

When I first started out in my career, I had a great opportunity to implement HR functions at a Manufacturing Company who never had a HR presence before.  I found myself on the Leadership Team with a group of experienced middle-aged professionals.  Being a new grad, I had fresh ideas and limitless energy.  And, I really knew my stuff.  I remember sharing my ideas to improve Employee Morale the first month and having them all quickly shot down.  I was embarrassed and intimidated at that time and from that point on, I vowed to just “go with the flow.” 

 

Not surprisingly, I got sick a lot and hated my job.  I felt useless and like an imposter.  And when people kept quitting, I felt resentful and frustrated.  After a year, I jumped at a different job offer from a company who really valued my ideas.

 

We have EXPECTATIONS of Who We SHOULD Be

 

We all have the gap of who we SHOULD be and WHO we really are.  I guess the real question is why WHO we are isn’t good enough for our worst critic…ourselves.

 

I remember when I was just starting out in my Health Coaching practice and I went to a networking event.  They had a great breakfast spread…fruit, yogurt, and  ALMOND CROISSANTS.  Almond Croissants are on my top 5 of Favorite Foods but since I was THE Health Coach, I only took the fruit and yogurt and sat down at a table with some very friendly women.  One woman started eating her croissant and started telling us how fresh and delicious it was with just the right amount of sweetness.  I couldn’t stand it…I quickly excused myself to get one for myself, making a joke that my Healthy Eating Plan was based on a 80%-20% rule and I was taking a Zumba class later that day. 

 

Later that day, one of the women asked for my card.  She scheduled her initial consultation immediately and was ready to start!  I complemented her on her drive and motivation and she laughed and told me, “It was you going back for the croissant.  I knew that you were “real,” and wouldn’t be standing on a pedestal dictating what I should do.  You were comfortable enough with yourself to be who you are and I want someone to help me be like that.”

 
So, the next time you begin to doubt yourself and head down that path you KNOW you don’t want to go towards…ask yourself these questions…

 

-Am I just avoiding conflict?  Am I living true to who I am or am I just trying to please the people in my life?

 

-Am I afraid of not being accepted?  What value do I bring to this group/project if I just go along with what everyone says? 

 

And finally...

Why would the "REAL ME" not be enough?  What do I have and want to offer?  

 

Now excuse me…I have to go for a run since there is a bakery that just opened up…guess what their specialty is?   ;)   I’m interested in hearing/reading about what you think?  Thoughts?

 

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