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allison_lowe@yahoo.com

NURTURE: Are You Your Own Priority? Why Not?

4.4-Blog - Putting Yourself First




I have a client who is a full time working mother with a busy family.  She also has an active social life as well as volunteering at the local Veteran’s Group.  We chat at least once a month.   Last month, I noticed her voice was pretty raspy.


 “Hey…are you feeling ok?”


 “Oh sure, I’ve had this cold for two weeks now…I keep meaning to go to the doctor but my plate is so full right now.   I’m sure I’ll feel better soon”



 Three weeks later, we connected again.  Now, she sounded like a boy who was going thru the “change.”


 “Soooooo…how’s that cold of yours?”


 “I can’t believe I still have this!  We’re going to the doctor because my daughter is now sick and I don’t want her to get worse.”

 
Those of you who know me really well will say this client has the ALLIE  modus operandi because I WAS that client five years ago.

 
I remember when I was traveling for work and had that pesky “cold” for three months.  I finally went to the doctor and after she checked me out, she started to roll her eyes.   She asked me…   

 “Why has it taken you so long to come see me?  Is it really SO hard for you to put yourself as a priority?

 
How many of you out there feel this?

 
From my warped perspective, here’s what would happened if I took time off to take care of myself…

 

I would be so behind.

 

Stuff won’t get done right.

 

People would be let down.

 

 
Life has a funny way of working out.  Because I waited so long, my cold turned into Walking Pneumonia.  Guess what?

 

I got really behind because, inevitably, I had to reschedule everything.

 

Stuff didn’t even get started.

 

People were let down anyways.

 

I’m not sure why putting myself as a priority is such a hard concept for me to grasp.  Why am I in such denial?

 

“I have TOO much to do!...

 

“It will all FALL APART if I don’t take care of it!”

 

“I HATE telling people no!”

 

Let’s give each other an “IRL (In Real Life) check” for these above statements…

 

TOO MUCH TO DO!

 
We have too much to do because we, ourselves, have made it that way. 

 

It’s BIG thinking at it’s worst!  And really, how much are you really getting done?  What’s the quality of your solutions?  Do you ever feel relaxed?   Are you ever at peace?   Or, do you feel like you’re on a treadmill and it’s going too fast?   

 

I found that the treadmill doesn’t stop until I press “OFF”   There will ALWAYS be something to take care of.   And once you’ve set the expectation that you take care of everything 24/7, it’s hard to “shake” that reputation.  You will be the “go to,” ALL the time, whether it’s an emergency or not.

 

While this is flattering, it’s exhausting!  You’re not a machine…you’re a human that needs to eat, rest and shut “OFF” once in a while. 

 

 

IT WILL ALL FALL APART IF I DON’T TAKE CARE OF IT

 

Heard in my household…

 

“Hey, can someone load the dishwasher, please?”

 

“Why, Mom?  You’re a control-freak-a-holic…we all know that you go back and reload it anyways!”

 

My mom was married to Leo, a former Lieutenant Colonel in the Army.  The first week of their marriage, he tried to teach her how to make the bed the “military” way.  I wonder if my mom even tried because housework was never one of her favorite things.  Not surprisingly, her bed never passed inspection.   And my stepfather made the bed for the next 25 years. 

 

Based on these two examples, I’m going to guess that our control issues have backfired on us every time.

 

The need to have everything done “our way” leads us to a faulty perception...  If we don’t do it, then it won’t be done right and everything will fall apart.  I call it my Wonder Woman Complex.   

 

This theory might have served me well when I was just starting out in my career.  In graduate school, I had to make sure that everyone did their part in our group projects.  When I was in my first Recruiting Manager job, I had to make my recruiters followed the company process.  And as a single working traveling mother, I had to make sure that bags were packed with everything we needed.  Lots of detail management that was quite challenging for the non-detailed me.

 

This mentality doesn’t work as well for me now.  I have more responsibilities with even more details, players and impact to consider.  And although I’d like to think I’m still able to be Wonder Woman, I don’t necessarily want to be the lonely superhero anymore.

 

I like it when people help me out.  It helps me feel like I’m part of the world and not just running around saving the world by myself.

 

Look back on something that you’ve insisted on doing all yourself?  What was sacrificed?  Was it really worth it, in the long run?

 

Life as Wonder Woman can be exhausting …I’d much rather be snuggling with my "Lieutenant Trevor"…4.4-emoji - kiss

 

 I HATE TELLING PEOPLE “NO!”

 

Hello…my name is Allie and I’m a people pleaser.   There, I said it.  

 

I really like helping people and if I have a free hour, instead of doing yoga or taking time for myself…I would pick someone up, help them move, go to their child’s first violin recital (not recommended if you have a headache)…etc.   I love the intrinsic “warm fuzzy”  that  warms my heart when I know I’ve helped someone…hence, my career choice.

 

What I don’t like is when other things fall through the cracks because I was so busy focusing on someone else’s priorities instead of mine. 

 

How many times have you skipped your workout because you were helping someone else?  (Guilty!) 

Or, realized that you haven’t eaten anything all day because you promised to help a panicked coworker with a work crisis?  (Guilty!) 

My most recent embarrassing situation is when I was so busy getting my daughter ready for our party, I forgot that I needed time to get myself ready.  There is nothing like greeting your guest in a robe and turban and excusing yourself abruptly so you can get dressed in five seconds.   

 

All in all, this gets tiring.  And, I hate to admit this, but after some point, I become resentful.  I walk around with the biggest chip on my shoulder and develop the perception that people don’t appreciate me enough.  Then, it gets very very quiet in my household.  During our "snuggle time after the party, my partner commented, 

 

“You know…your daughter is now fifteen…I think she can get ready on her own now.”

 

“But, she asked me.  I liked helping her…”

 

“Oh, I see…What if I “asked” you to take care of yourself first and not walk around like a martyr?…Would this put me in front of the Priority Line?”

 

You know,…there’s some smarts underneath those adorable blue eyes of his.

 
It’s good to help people.  It’s also good to help yourself.  And as the flight attendant will tell you, you must make sure that your oxygen mask is on before you can help anyone else.  End of story…there is no way around that.

 

So, tonight, I’m taking the night off for myself.  The door is closed.   I’m doing a nice 90 minute Yin Yoga session and listening to Miles.  There’s a sign on my door that says, “Unless you’re bleeding or dying, do not disturb.”  My “zoo” is anxiously pacing outside my door (because they can’t read) ... eventually they give up.  There is a sense of calm in my house and it's generating from ME!

 

After my “ME” session, it's back to business.  My daughter proudly recites five minutes of Mandarin Chinese to me.  (Since I don’t understand Mandarin Chinese, I’m going to pretend it’s a poem honoring her wonderful, generous mother.)  My partner comes in happily announcing that he has advanced to the next level of his video game…We all have goals.  Each member of the "zoo" has demanded their nice belly rub and snuggle.  I have voicemails and emails to respond to.    

Yes, I'm still in demand and still have my responsibilities.  However, I'm in a much better state of mind now.   
 

There is too much to do but again, there will always be too much to do.

 

Things probably will fall apart but it’s not my responsibility to make sure that everyone is happy and everything is done.

 

People still love me when I say “No.”…in fact, in this house, they might even love me more now…

 

So, what about you? 

When are you going to start being your First Priority?


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