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CONNECT: Happily Ever After….and then some….


4.17-Blog - Connect



My guy and I just celebrated 8 years together!  However, our “meet cute” story was certainly not so cute and nothing like I had imagined it would be. 

 We met at a Brunch Meetup.  At that time of my life, I was happily “playing the field” as well as traveling a lot for work.  I’m not sure why but I was a Dude Magnet during that time...(Who knew that traveling cross country and surviving on 6 hours of sleep would do wonderful things with my personality and complexion?)  I embraced my “magnetism” and thoroughly enjoyed myself.  All the guys at the table were bending over backwards to make sure I was comfortable and my champagne glass was full. 

Except for the guy across me with the striking blue eyes.

 
My boss had recently raved about the “Eric” omelet (apparently, he was at this restaurant so much they made this special dish for him) and knowing I was a fellow foodie, strongly urged me to “drop his name” and they would make it for me… which of course, I did.
 

“WHO ARE YOU?  Why do you think you’re so special?  Do you think you’re a celebrity or something?”

 I was taken aback.  I never thought I was better than anyone else and the accusation stung.  I immediately went into a long detailed explanation about my boss and his omelet. 

CHIRP…Chirp…chirp… 

What a GREAT first impression that was…

 
We got our food…

 
“That looks interesting…can I have a bite of that?”
 

“Ummmm…..are you talking to me?  The “celebrity?” 
4.17-baffled-emoticon.jpg
 

“Yeah…your omelet looks good” 

 

I finally noticed the twinkle in his eye…

 
Fifteen minutes later…

 
“That omelet was really good…are you going to finish that?”

 
Eight years later, he’s still finishing up my food…

 
Who knew that I would end up with a Star Wars/Trek (is there REALLY a difference?...) Geek whose idea of a great weekend away is an isolated cabin with no good restaurants or museums and can happily spend hours and HOURS playing volleyball in the hot sun?


My past relationships were never like this.  Rather, it would be different versions of the “meet cute” and go through the customary dating period, moving in together and two times, making it legal.  And I’d be happy ever after…for a little bit. And then like my pup that doesn’t want to take a bath, I’d look for any and every way out.

 
But, not this relationship…even after eight years, I still feel giggly and mushy inside when his eyes twinkle at me.  He has my back and still makes me laugh all the time.   He’s “my person” and I want to be with him as well as find out more about him every year that we’re together. 

 
He also frustrates the heck out of me.  I’ve never had anyone press my buttons as much as he does.  It hasn’t been smooth sailing all the time.  I remember when we tried to break up with each other…

 

“Well, I guess we should call it.”

 

“Yeah…I’m going to miss you.”

 

“Oh, no…I’ll still be around…in fact, I think we should get together at least twice during the week and the whole weekend to spend time together.  After all, I might starve.”

 

“Hmmm…should we just not live together?”

 

“Well, yeah…but it would be weird not living with you.”

 

“I don’t think I’d like that either.”

 

“So, what’s the issue again?”

 

“I forgot…”

 

That next Spring, we got each other commitment rings from Tiffany’s.  And, we never had THAT conversation again.
 

There are so many variables why this relationship works when all my other relationships didn’t.  I could spend hours and hours disseminating every little detail with my girlfriends over brunch but I need to start packing for our special anniversary trip to Italy.  I’ll leave you with this…

 

Our Relationship is REAL…

 

From the very beginning, this relationship was real in every way.  He showed me who he was at the very beginning and I showed him who I was.  We certainly didn’t put our best foot forward and have always been honest and upfront with what works and what doesn’t.  I didn’t pretend to love our “weekend away,” in fact, we moved to a nicer place the next night.  He doesn’t pretend to enjoy my fascination with American Horror Story and Gilmore Girls. 

 

He also accepts the fact that I will usually look up the recap before I watch a movie or television show…(to my credit, I NEVER reveal the spoiler…) I accept the fact that he will urge me to stay up to watch that same television show and then immediately nod off within the first five minutes.   And we both happily admit that we would rather order food to be delivered instead of getting “presentable” to go out on a date.  (Thank you, Postmates and Amazon Video!)

 

For me, this is Nirvana.  I don’t have to pretend to be anyone that I’m not and there is no bubble bursting when I realize, in mock horror, he actually likes the Star Trek pajamas that I gave him as a joke and wears them regularly during our Postmates & Amazon Movie date.   

 

We Focus on The Big Picture…

 

One thing that I’ve learned while in this long-term relationship is that this is NOT Burger King.  Having it MY way or His way doesn’t work in the long term.  What DOES work is focusing on the big picture… here are our priorities….

 

Health - I tell him all the time, “We need to be able to ‘torture’ each other until we’re ‘old,’ so we have to take care of ourselves so we’ll be around.”    No more cookies for breakfast (damn those blood tests!) and gourmet dinners with all the fine wine.  And yes, we’ve now reached that point where we will talk about our ailments within the first five minutes of our conversation… SWELL…

 

SecurityWe don’t want to scramble financially in our twilight years so we need to live within our means NOW.  This means we don’t have a big house and unfortunately, cannot travel to every place on our bucket list.  Although, to be honest, I’m still working on the Hot Tub justification because I think it would also improve our Health…wouldn’t you agree?

 

ConnectionI have to admit, this is our most challenging task.  Both of us are driven and we make ourselves so busy that it would be easy to just focus on our goals.  But, we’ve made a pact…Time in the morning with our coffee and some snuggling at night. 

 

“I love you sweetie pie….”
 

“Yes, we're on Good Terms."
 
“Seriously?”

“What I really meant was I love you too...Sweet Dreams...”


 

We Learn Together

 

I will be 55 years old in a week.  I’ve been around the block (several times) and I know stuff.  My guy just turned 50 last month.  This isn’t his first rodeo…he knows stuff.  We both know stuff.  And, the most important thing is we both know that sometimes, we don’t know anything and we will never know everything.

 

And honestly, this is what keeps us going.   

 

“Why is the teen (aka Darth) so grumpy in the morning?  I’m trying to have a conversation with her and she seems like she’s mad?”

 

“Try asking her about what music she’s listening these days…”

 

“Wow…it worked!  I actually got four words this morning…I like this song.” 

(TINY, Tiny, tiny steps...)


 
I’m also always amazed how much I learn from My Guy.  Some stuff is quite humorous and does make me laugh out loud (usually, at his expense) and some stuff is quite valuable…although, I can be very reluctant to admit it to him face to face.  And, what’s really interesting is that I learn a lot about myself through his honest (and sometimes very blunt) observations and perceptions.  And believe me, this is reciprocated in our relationship.

 

This keeps us moving forward…

 

So, to My Guy…

 

Here’s to the life we built in the last eight years.   Our home, our community of friends, the Kid (now Teen) and our “Zoo.”  I will happily travel the world, taste the wines, dress up in elaborate costumes and even overcome my anxiety of zip lining with crazy Thai guides for you. .

 

Thank you for a fantabulous (MY word) eight years!   I look forward to more adventures and lessons and lots of laughter…




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NURTURE: Are You Your Own Priority? Why Not?

4.4-Blog - Putting Yourself First




I have a client who is a full time working mother with a busy family.  She also has an active social life as well as volunteering at the local Veteran’s Group.  We chat at least once a month.   Last month, I noticed her voice was pretty raspy.


 “Hey…are you feeling ok?”


 “Oh sure, I’ve had this cold for two weeks now…I keep meaning to go to the doctor but my plate is so full right now.   I’m sure I’ll feel better soon”



 Three weeks later, we connected again.  Now, she sounded like a boy who was going thru the “change.”


 “Soooooo…how’s that cold of yours?”


 “I can’t believe I still have this!  We’re going to the doctor because my daughter is now sick and I don’t want her to get worse.”

 
Those of you who know me really well will say this client has the ALLIE  modus operandi because I WAS that client five years ago.

 
I remember when I was traveling for work and had that pesky “cold” for three months.  I finally went to the doctor and after she checked me out, she started to roll her eyes.   She asked me…   

 “Why has it taken you so long to come see me?  Is it really SO hard for you to put yourself as a priority?

 
How many of you out there feel this?

 
From my warped perspective, here’s what would happened if I took time off to take care of myself…

 

I would be so behind.

 

Stuff won’t get done right.

 

People would be let down.

 

 
Life has a funny way of working out.  Because I waited so long, my cold turned into Walking Pneumonia.  Guess what?

 

I got really behind because, inevitably, I had to reschedule everything.

 

Stuff didn’t even get started.

 

People were let down anyways.

 

I’m not sure why putting myself as a priority is such a hard concept for me to grasp.  Why am I in such denial?

 

“I have TOO much to do!...

 

“It will all FALL APART if I don’t take care of it!”

 

“I HATE telling people no!”

 

Let’s give each other an “IRL (In Real Life) check” for these above statements…

 

TOO MUCH TO DO!

 
We have too much to do because we, ourselves, have made it that way. 

 

It’s BIG thinking at it’s worst!  And really, how much are you really getting done?  What’s the quality of your solutions?  Do you ever feel relaxed?   Are you ever at peace?   Or, do you feel like you’re on a treadmill and it’s going too fast?   

 

I found that the treadmill doesn’t stop until I press “OFF”   There will ALWAYS be something to take care of.   And once you’ve set the expectation that you take care of everything 24/7, it’s hard to “shake” that reputation.  You will be the “go to,” ALL the time, whether it’s an emergency or not.

 

While this is flattering, it’s exhausting!  You’re not a machine…you’re a human that needs to eat, rest and shut “OFF” once in a while. 

 

 

IT WILL ALL FALL APART IF I DON’T TAKE CARE OF IT

 

Heard in my household…

 

“Hey, can someone load the dishwasher, please?”

 

“Why, Mom?  You’re a control-freak-a-holic…we all know that you go back and reload it anyways!”

 

My mom was married to Leo, a former Lieutenant Colonel in the Army.  The first week of their marriage, he tried to teach her how to make the bed the “military” way.  I wonder if my mom even tried because housework was never one of her favorite things.  Not surprisingly, her bed never passed inspection.   And my stepfather made the bed for the next 25 years. 

 

Based on these two examples, I’m going to guess that our control issues have backfired on us every time.

 

The need to have everything done “our way” leads us to a faulty perception...  If we don’t do it, then it won’t be done right and everything will fall apart.  I call it my Wonder Woman Complex.   

 

This theory might have served me well when I was just starting out in my career.  In graduate school, I had to make sure that everyone did their part in our group projects.  When I was in my first Recruiting Manager job, I had to make my recruiters followed the company process.  And as a single working traveling mother, I had to make sure that bags were packed with everything we needed.  Lots of detail management that was quite challenging for the non-detailed me.

 

This mentality doesn’t work as well for me now.  I have more responsibilities with even more details, players and impact to consider.  And although I’d like to think I’m still able to be Wonder Woman, I don’t necessarily want to be the lonely superhero anymore.

 

I like it when people help me out.  It helps me feel like I’m part of the world and not just running around saving the world by myself.

 

Look back on something that you’ve insisted on doing all yourself?  What was sacrificed?  Was it really worth it, in the long run?

 

Life as Wonder Woman can be exhausting …I’d much rather be snuggling with my "Lieutenant Trevor"…4.4-emoji - kiss

 

 I HATE TELLING PEOPLE “NO!”

 

Hello…my name is Allie and I’m a people pleaser.   There, I said it.  

 

I really like helping people and if I have a free hour, instead of doing yoga or taking time for myself…I would pick someone up, help them move, go to their child’s first violin recital (not recommended if you have a headache)…etc.   I love the intrinsic “warm fuzzy”  that  warms my heart when I know I’ve helped someone…hence, my career choice.

 

What I don’t like is when other things fall through the cracks because I was so busy focusing on someone else’s priorities instead of mine. 

 

How many times have you skipped your workout because you were helping someone else?  (Guilty!) 

Or, realized that you haven’t eaten anything all day because you promised to help a panicked coworker with a work crisis?  (Guilty!) 

My most recent embarrassing situation is when I was so busy getting my daughter ready for our party, I forgot that I needed time to get myself ready.  There is nothing like greeting your guest in a robe and turban and excusing yourself abruptly so you can get dressed in five seconds.   


 

All in all, this gets tiring.  And, I hate to admit this, but after some point, I become resentful.  I walk around with the biggest chip on my shoulder and develop the perception that people don’t appreciate me enough.  Then, it gets very very quiet in my household.  During our "snuggle time after the party, my partner commented, 

 

“You know…your daughter is now fifteen…I think she can get ready on her own now.”

 

“But, she asked me.  I liked helping her…”

 

“Oh, I see…What if I “asked” you to take care of yourself first and not walk around like a martyr?…Would this put me in front of the Priority Line?”

 

You know,…there’s some smarts underneath those adorable blue eyes of his.

 
It’s good to help people.  It’s also good to help yourself.  And as the flight attendant will tell you, you must make sure that your oxygen mask is on before you can help anyone else.  End of story…there is no way around that.

 

So, tonight, I’m taking the night off for myself.  The door is closed.   I’m doing a nice 90 minute Yin Yoga session and listening to Miles.  There’s a sign on my door that says, “Unless you’re bleeding or dying, do not disturb.”  My “zoo” is anxiously pacing outside my door (because they can’t read) ... eventually they give up.  There is a sense of calm in my house and it's generating from ME!

 

After my “ME” session, it's back to business.  My daughter proudly recites five minutes of Mandarin Chinese to me.  (Since I don’t understand Mandarin Chinese, I’m going to pretend it’s a poem honoring her wonderful, generous mother.)  My partner comes in happily announcing that he has advanced to the next level of his video game…We all have goals.  Each member of the "zoo" has demanded their nice belly rub and snuggle.  I have voicemails and emails to respond to.    

Yes, I'm still in demand and still have my responsibilities.  However, I'm in a much better state of mind now.   

 

There is too much to do but again, there will always be too much to do.

 

Things probably will fall apart but it’s not my responsibility to make sure that everyone is happy and everything is done.

 

People still love me when I say “No.”…in fact, in this house, they might even love me more now…

 

So, what about you? 

When are you going to start being your First Priority?


If you liked this article and want more, I’d love to include you in my Email List. I promise not to bombard you! I send out monthly newsletters with helpful articles & invites that may help alleviate your frustrations with Health, Life Balance, Career, Purposes & Relationships. I think this information would be useful and valuable and it's at no cost to you! Sign up here… http://ready-set-go.me


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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