I love Facebook.
I work at home with very little interaction with humans and I like to “check in” several times a day with Facebook to see what’s going on. I feel like I’m connecting with my FB Friends when I comment on and like their posts and get that warm fuzzy feeling when they reciprocate. It may seem a little silly but it makes me happy when I get the 20+ likes (aka high five’s) on what I’m eating that day. I definitely feel supported (mostly from my friends who are mothers) when I need to rant about a certain someone who wants to wear short tropical shorts to school on a cold rainy day.
However, I got unFriended on Facebook last month and I have to admit, I took it personally. It stung and bruised my ego a little bit. As with most people, I went thru the five stages of grief …
Denial
This must have been a mistake on her part. Really, we never had any harsh words or any words, for that matter. Still, the fact that she would keep some of our mutual friends and unfriend me bugged me like a pesky teenager who wants movie money.
Anger
The next morning, after a restless night, I ended up going through several scenarios of why she wanted to sever our relationship. And then I got mad. (Because a good DEfense is an angry OFFense.) If there were issues, why didn’t she reach out to me thru a call, text or private message? I know that I would if I was upset with someone…at least before I unfriended them?
Bargain
Later, during my run, I started thinking about it again. Maybe, I was the bad friend? I never called and I certainly didn’t make an effort to see her within the last two years. What would happen if I reached out to her and try to reconnect? We might be better friends from this point forward.
Anxiety/Depression
While taking a shower after my run, that itty bitty shi**y voice chimed in. “You’re really a bad friend to everyone…” Last year, I’ve been really preoccupied with finishing up my Health Coach program and then went straight into launching Ready Set Go. I don’t make much of an effort to connect with everyone as much as I did before. What happens if I wake up one day and find that no one wants me as a friend anymore because I’m so self-centered and thoughtless? "I’m a bad person.” Now, I was starting to feel really isolated.
I was still obsessing over these thoughts while I picked up my 15-year old daughter from school. During our weekly one-on-one’s (apparently, that’s what we’re calling “quality time” now,) she sensed I was out-of-sorts and called me on it. I told her about the situation.
“Do I know this friend?
“Ummm, no”
“Have you talked about her at all?”
“Ummm, no”
“When’s the last time you saw her?”
“Hmmm…about two years ago?”
“And, you’ve never gotten together since? Have you talked on the phone? Any contact at all?”
“Well, I’ve “liked” some of her posts and she’s “liked” some of mine.”
And then, I got that teenage “sage smirk” that makes all mothers wish they could magically turn their teenage daughters back into the cute little babies that just smiled and cooed.
Acceptance
I finally got it. And, yes, now I’m obliged to take the smirking “daughter-therapist” and her friend to the movies AND dinner.
Of course, it’s reasonable that someone that I haven’t spoken with or seen within the last two years would think nothing was wrong in filtering her Friends List. In fact, I should probably do the same thing.
I do wonder why it bothered me so much. I had spent the whole day obsessing about the why’s and how’s and it made me question what kind of friend I was. So, I did a little research…
Psychology Today wrote, “Unfriending is perhaps the ultimate in passive-aggressive forms of rejection that doesn’t have a counterpart in the “real” world of relationships. On Facebook, no one tells you that you’re unfriended; they just uncheck you as a friend. They never have to tell you in person or even explain why, nor do they need your consent to do so.”
By unfriending me, this friend has “officially” severed social ties with me. And as my daughter-therapist pointed out, my actions (or inactions) had already severed my social ties with her. And, it wasn’t because I was mad or didn’t like her. My memories of spending time with her are quite pleasant. But, we never went further…most of our time spent together were boozy brunches and whooping it up! I couldn’t even tell you her kids’ names and we never had a heart-to-heart talk about anything.
Although, she took the first step, this “breakup” was mutual. We never really connected like I have with some of my other friends. We met as friends-of-friends and honestly, I never clicked with her to ever want to have that one-on-one time. We were, in reality, acquaintances that had a fun superficial relationship. And, if no one ever told me, I would have still thought she was my Facebook Friend.
Being unfriended has definitely opened up my awareness. Here's what I learned...
Facebook Friend relationships are what you make of them.
My Facebook Friends are smart, fun and informative. I get different perspectives, great recommendations and it’s nice being supported by such a diverse, intelligent group. I’ve been pretty selective with who makes my friends list and I really do have genuine affection for each one of them. But in all honesty, it would be next-to-impossible to try to maintain a deeper relationship with everyone on that list. And, I’m okay with that…as long as they’re okay with it. It is a “mutually beneficial” relationship until it’s not. And at that point, I will be unfriended again or I will have to filter my own FB Friend list.
I need to be a better friend.
I used to joke when my partner would come back from work and ask me how my day was. “Check my Facebook page…I don’t want to rehash it AGAIN.” I was actually kind of serious. But, we all know that our statuses are biased to present ourselves in the best light. It’s not real...communicating thru Facebook does not make a “real” friendship.
I want my friendships to have “real time” connections with regular one-on-one’s. They need to include deeper conversations about life, love and our pursuits of happiness. And, nothing can beat a hug or laughing so hard that the Daughter-Therapist has to come over and see if everyone is ok.
I’m now very grateful to the “now-Acquaintance” that unfriended me.
She really gave me the best gift of all…Awareness. Awareness of what friendship means to me and how I need to be present and continually nurturing those relationships. I sincerely wish her the best and hope she’s finding the friendships that she needs.
How about you? Have you been like me and using Facebook to be a “friend” or are you more “present” in your friendships? I’d love to know…
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