Every February 15, appropriately right after Valentine’s Day, my daughter and I celebrate Gotcha Day. Along with a stubborn tendency to be “right” and a healthy obsession with shows like Gilmore Girls, Law & Order and Buffy The Vampire Slayer, we also share the same history.
Me first…
When, I was a baby in Hong Kong. I was left in an alley, most likely by my biological mother.
And yes, had I not been picked up…I would have died from exposure or even had a worse fate. Luckily, for me…it didn’t happen that way…
While some people’s immediate reaction is sadness or anger, I was lucky enough that my mother (who adopted me when I was 2.5) was able to frame it in a different way. She always emphasized that I was never ever abandoned…my bio mom loved me more than herself because she sacrificed happiness as my mother so I could have a better life. Interestingly enough, there has been books about adoption in China which supports my mother’s story.
Mothers who were caught in unfortunate circumstances would travel at least 2 hours away so their baby girls could be eligible for foreign adoption since they would be officially “abandoned” with no known ties. Heartbreaking stories about a mother leaving her baby in a well traveled place (post offices, markets, popular alleys), ducking out of sight but always keeping an eye on the baby and following whoever took that baby. Once she was assured that the baby was in safe hands, usually an orphanage or a government official, she would then leave to go on with her life. Interviews with these Chinese mothers reflected how these mothers never forgot their babies. They would always pray and hope that their girls were happy, healthy with a better life outside of China.
When it came time to start a family, I knew I always wanted to adopt from China too. When I met my daughter in Nanjing, I really came to understand the love a mother has for her child. I anxiously fussed making sure her crib was warm and comfortable and could watch her sleep for hours. I would give her the best food first so she would eat well. I would do anything to make her smile and laugh. I would have panic attacks if I didn’t know where she was every second. And I would hold her as much as I could and nestle my face in her hair, inhaling every scent of her. All these actions gave me the addicting bursts of love that we feel and chase after. I experienced all of this after only 2 days with her…
My friends tell me that they’ve experience similar feelings while they were pregnant and still have those strong feelings. Note: Some of their kids have graduated college and starting their own families now!
To imagine giving up your child is painful as well as unfathomable. I honestly don’t know if I could do that today, even though I know how I personally benefited from that action. Yet, my biological mother and my daughter’s biological mother did so we could have a better life. And without their sacrifices, my daughter and I might have had very different lives in China.
I feel such love and gratefulness to these two women. They are the reason why I’m here, able to tell my story to you. And my daughter now has a chance to live a life that isn’t shameful or harsh.
That’s true love, folks…true love.